Imaginif

Stressed Mother wanted her family life different. Kids out of control emotionally (unhappy, angry at each other, whining about being bored, lethargic and non committal), parents working full time jobs and timetables for eating, sleeping and toileting ruling their lives had made home unbearable and parenting a chore. Mother came for help and said her goal was to learn how to do things differently: to learn how to create the family life she wanted and the children deserved.

Mother left therapy with a plan to do five different parenting ideas on a daily basis until those things were no longer different:

1. A decision to change and do things differently is just a decision. It only becomes action when I put the decision into practice. I will practice my decisions daily.
   Mother said she was a great thinker…in fact, she was too good. She rarely spoke her thoughts because she was too tired so therefore nobody else knew what her change decisions were. Because they didn’t know of the planned change, it created too much anxiety and took too much explanation time when she tried to suddenly do something different. From now on, Mother said she would announce her decisions as a way to pre warn her family of impending change. Writing the decision on the whiteboard (fridge) was her chosen way to tell everyone to expect change that day.
2. Putting something into practice once does not become lasting change. I need to be like a television advertisement - repetitious and daily. If it takes three months to work so be it. That is preferable to living the rest of our life unhappy with the way we do things.
   Mother claimed that the written announcements on the fridge would act as a daily reminder for her too. She would play out the change behaviour again and again until it became normal routine and no longer doing something different.
3. Family holidays are memorable when they are different and culturally exciting. Every day behaviours can be more relaxed, friendly and holiday like by me becoming positively memorable by changing myself and the busy family culture.
   Mother decided that creating a change in her appearance was a way to make her family notice her more often; the way they do when she wore bright colors, and hats, on holidays. Mother said the little holiday things they do together were highlights for all of them and she was not sure why they only did them when on holidays. Mother wanted to bring the holiday culture into her home. She opted to organise a weekly quiz night like the one they all went to on their last holiday. To enhance the friendly, family, at home holiday culture, Mother said she would cook fish and chips like they had enjoyed at the holiday quiz night and buy the kids a new set of colorful clothing to wear. Mother said to replicate the lightness of mood and the buzz of people, she would allow the kids to invite a friend and to turn the evening into a sleep over. Every weekend in their house would become a mini holiday for the family: a place where they all wanted to be. Mother said she even wore a hat and a red scarf, just to remind everyone that things were different.
4. A teachable moment is only a teachable moment if I have the time and energy to grab the learning and pass it onto the children.
   Mother and father were always tired and couldn’t be bothered enhancing their young family’s natural curiosity and yearning to learn. Mother detested this tiredness and decided to take multi vitamins (she planned to place them in the shower caddy so that when she washed her face in the morning she would not forget to also swallow a vitamin) and to spring clean the rubbish in her life. Mother decided that all the committees she sat on were rubbish and not helpful to her children’s learning or to family life. Mother resigned from all but one school committee and replaced her commitment to community by doing a fun, time sensible, family fundraiser for the environment: they walked together once a week and all collected aluminum cans thrown from cars or by other walkers. The cans were donated to the local Scout Group who were raising funds to Can Cassowary Road Kill (sold cans funded rain-forest tree planting to create a safe corridor for Cassowary crossing). The joint activity created an environment of learning about their local environment and the wider impact on total environment.
5. Creating change is not like giving up smoking where you pick a day. I am unhappy now so I will change things now….this minute (and go back to the start of the list so that change becomes lasting).
   Mother agreed that change commitments must happen immediately or she is wasting her time and money by attending therapy. Every time she left therapy, she implemented her homework immediately. Today, our final day, she said she was going to pick the kids up from after school care, buy some bread, margarine and a jar of peanut butter from the corner store, and go straight to the Esplanade for a picnic sandwich tea. From there, she would ring her husband and invite him to join them. Why was she going to do that? Because her family has continually stated they wanted to go to the Esplanade more often. Busy time schedules didn’t really allow for it but by collapsing time and the way they did things, going for a picnic tea solved the meal time arguing and the kids whining for a sea change. Brilliant!

Congratulations to this mother. She deserves a child protection award. She has understood that creating a culture of difference means WE have to do things differently. Is is not her children’s responsibility to change, but rather hers to help create change and to keep them safe.

Are you uncomfortable enough with your family life to go ahead and create difference today or do you just like to be a kid and whinge about how you want things different? Child protection grows in happy families. How happy are you?

Article by Megan Bayliss

Related artice to create a sea change in your family: 8 Ways to Holiday Every Day