Parental Alienation Syndrome
September 17th 2007 by Lisa in Child Abuse
Parental Alienation Syndrome is a form of emotional child abuse following a divorce, whereby a child is brainwashed by one parent into believing that the other parent is the enemy.
Through words and actions, gestures and facial expressions, the custodial parent encourages the children to vilify the non-custodial parent. When forced to choose, children of divorce tend to ally with the parent that they are living with.
The reason that this type of programming is so effective is that, with one parent gone from the household, children fear abandonment by the other parent, so they are tempted to say whatever the present parent wishes to hear.
R.A. Gardner discovered this syndrome, and has become an expert in dealing with this issue.
Examples of this syndrome’s manifestation include:
- During visitation, the custodial parent will set the terms for departure and arrival. If the ex-spouse arrives later or earlier than planned, they will be made to suffer for it in some way. Meanwhile, the custodial parent is free to make whatever changes he/she likes, even at the last minute.
- The custodial parent will deliberately offer the child alternative activities, scheduled to take place during visitation weekends, and then tell the non-custodial parent that the child has chosen the alternative event, so that by insisting on court-ordered visitation the non-custodial parent risks appearing “mean” to the child.
- When the non-custodial parent gives gifts to their child, the custodial parent might “lose them,” break them or disparage them as inappropriate. Anything nice that the non-custodial parent does for the child will often be “twisted” or responded to as if coming from not a parent, but a stranger.
- When the targeted parent calls, the PAS-inducing parent might hand the phone to the child saying, “It’s him/her” or “It’s your father/mother,” in a disgusted tone of voice. This also includes hanging up the phone on the targeted parent or silently handing the phone to the child.
Does the perpetrator of this abuse know what they are doing?
Most divorced parents have moments when they are Naive Alienators. Once in a while, they might say something about their ex-spouse without thinking, but for the most part they focus on what’s best for the children. They try to work out visitation without putting the children in the middle, and encourage their children to build a relationship with the non-custodial parent and his/her family.
Ideally, the child and the custodial parent will be able to maintain distinct personalities, beliefs and feelings. It is important for parents to recognize children’s needs and separate them from their own. This allows the custodial parent to remain secure in their relationship with their child and not letting pain from the previous marriage to interfere with their children’s relationship with their non-custodial parent.
Active Alienators have good intentions, but sometimes display poor impulse control. When an event triggers painful feelings from the past, this parent might lash out verbally. After regaining control, the parent feels guilty, and tries to do better next time. This parent recognizes the needs of the child and how important it is for the child to maintain a relationship with the other parent.
Obsessed Alienators, on the other hand, have a vendetta against the non-custodial parent. The obsessed parent feels angry, bitter or betrayed – and cannot separate their experience with their former spouse from their children’s need to build a positive relationship with this person.
After a marriage falls apart, it can be very difficult to maintain communication with an ex-spouse, as child visitation requires. However, obsessed parents enmesh their personal experiences with the emotional lives of their children. They work to undermine their children’s relationship with the other parent. They attempt to physically or psychologically rescue their child, when there is actually no threat to the children’s safety.
On some level, the Obsessed Alienator may be aware that their child needs the other parent, but will find a way to rationalize this need away, citing their ex-spouse’s perceived character deficiencies. This alienation often extends to the ex-spouse’s family members as well.
How does this emotional abuse affect the children?
Most cases of PAS have been diagnosed as moderate, although effects can range from mild, to moderate, to severe.
A child in the mild stage will be able to maintain reasonably healthy relationship with both parents. In order to maintain some form of emotional stability, the child will feel compelled to keep separate worlds and identities with each parent.
Disparaging the non-custodial parent right before visitation becomes a way for children to show the custodial parent allegiance and love. Once the children are in the home of the non-custodial parent, they will generally relax and allow themselves to enjoy the contact and maintain an emotional bond.
However, as soon as the custodial parent returns, the child will resume withdrawal and animosity, as if he/she has done something wrong. The child will not allow his/herself to demonstrate affection for the non-custodial parent in front of the custodial parent.
During the moderate stage, the amount of conflict between the two parents creates frequent anxiety for the child. This is because asking a child to choose one parent over another parent creates considerable distress. Typically, children do not want to reject a parent, but instead will try to avoid the issue.
Things that the custodial parent might say:
- “Tell your father that he has more money than I do, so let him pay for it.”
- “Don’t tell your father that I earned this extra money.”
- “What I was married to your father, he did (such and so) to me…”
- “Did I ever tell you about your father’s family and how terrible they are?”
The child becomes preoccupied with the flaws and foibles of the non-custodial parent, be they real, exaggerated or imagined. Every small altercation between the parents or between the alienated parent and the child, no matter how trivial, becomes “proof” that the campaign of denigration is justified.
The language used by the child to describe the growing rift with the non-custodial parent begins to sound rehearsed, as if they are parroting back the words or stories of the controlling, custodial parent. These borrowed scenarios leave no room for ambiguity, and often include weak, frivolous and absurd rationalizations. But the message is clear; the alienated parent is “all bad,” and the custodial parent is “all good.”
During this stage, the child learns to be overprotective of their custodial parent’s feelings, while exhibiting a guiltless disregard for the feelings of the alienated parent.
A child in severe stage becomes unable to recognize any positive qualities of the non-custodial parent. This child will appear perfectly normal, until asked questions about the targeted parent. As this point, all the anger, pain and confusion will start to seep out…
This child has been robbed of his or her childhood, and forced to take on the role of “protector” for their custodial parent. Reasons for rejecting the alienated parent are not based on personal experiences of the child, but instead reflect what they have been told by the Obsessed Alienator, because the child has taken on the custodial parents’ emotions, hatred and personal history as his/her own.
This goes back to a previous blog entry of mine about cognitive dissonance, because at this point, children find it impossible to match their personal experiences with the non-custodial parent with all of the horrible things that their custodial parent has said about him/her.
This harms the child in many ways:
- Constituting a break from reality
- Robbing the child of positive memories of being with the non-custodial parent
- Impairing a child’s ability to trust, to become vulnerable, and to forgive
- Teaching the child not to feel guilty or remorseful for misbehavior towards the alienated parent
- Learning to be insensitive to the feelings of a non-custodial parent (e.g. daughters learning to disrespect their father) can carry over into future relationships with men.
As the Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada has stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.”
What can the non-custodial parent do?
- Keep a record of instances similar to those mentioned above
- Refuse to discuss money in front of the children
- Try not to argue in front of the children
- Point out that it is harmful for one parent to bad-mouth another, and refuse to do so
- Be consistent in your behavior; keep your promises
- Pay child support on time
For more information, please visit:
A Guide to the Parental Alienation Syndrome
PASKIDS.com
Stumble it!
September 17th, 2007 at 9:05 am
Oh boy….how well I know this one. Great article as always Lisa - informative and well researched. Thank you.
September 17th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
I have grown up children in their fourties who are the adult result of PAS. While I am presently still cognitive, competant and able to do ADL’s and make reasonable and informed decisions, my son went to court 3 yrs. ago and lied and exagerated to the point where I was ordered to become his ward.. My recent attempt to terminate the guardianship was turned down by the court. It seems that judges rarely reverse their own rulings.
To all seniors: DON’T BLINDLY TRUST YOUR ADULT CHILDREN.
Thanks for the great and detailed article on PAS.
October 24th, 2007 at 10:57 am
October 24th, 2007 at 11:10 am
November 9th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
I obviously agree with all aspects of this article, but what i do take to heart, is that we need to stoop so low as to slander the mother of these children on the internet. As people who say they love these alienated children, how can you then speak of the mother in this way, one must remember that children must always come first, and if we print terrible comments about the mother on the internet, for all to see, what happens if these children read what you are saying about the mother,or the mother herself reads it, how on earth does that help to build a bridge…. how on earth does that help them, and please consider what effect you yourself are having on the mental well being of these children…for the childrens sake , be aware of the pain you yourself can cause..it appears to me we are to believe the mother in this case is at fault totally, but surely, there are two sides to this story, and cannot possibly be the case..you speak about the alienating parent filling the childs head with their own thoughts,it appears to me that you are intent on doing the same thing, by electronic means.be very very careful
November 9th, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Thank you for your passionate and heartfelt comments.
In response to the previous commenter’s concerns, in this article, we have defined what Parental Alienation Syndrome is:
- It is emotional abuse of a child
- It could be done by either parent
This article was written for parents, not children. However, in answer to your question and having worked with children who have experienced PAS, my hope is that if they read this article, they will know that it is okay to love both parents.
If a child is truly experiencing Parental Alienation Syndrome, this will affect that child deeply. The child will be confused — torn between love for the alienated parent and feeling that they ‘aren’t allowed’ to feel or demonstrate that love. This leads to shame, pain and even anger.
It should also be mentioned that if the alienated parent truly is abusive, the custodial parent might have good reason to protect the children.
However, the timing and methods whereby this information is shared with the child matters. The tone of voice and use of language when describing the other parent to a child matters tremendously.
Thank you very much for commenting, and we welcome you to continue to share your valuable insights.
November 10th, 2007 at 8:18 am
thank you for the reply. i was actually concerned about the october 24th post, not the actual article, which i think is very insightful, what concerned me is that in this day and age, children of the non custodial parent have the same access to this website, as any of us do, and in the article under the heading,what can the non custodial parent do? it suggests.the following…..point out that it is harmful for one parent to bad mouth another, and refuse to do so…so i have concerns that the non custodial although they may agree with that statement,feels that it is then ok to do exactly that when writing a post. i feel we need to be extremely careful when putting our names to internet writings that can then be linked to children, these writings can be seen by the custodial parent, the children themselves, or friends of the custodial or the children.friends..i feel any negative writings about the custodial parent, if it is seen by the custodial parent, or the children, will then reinforce any negatives the custodial has said to the children about the non custodial parent,..as in “see what terrible things they are saying about me,” and this can then be used to even widen the gap….i am all for the children in theses cases, and what is best for them, to lead happy, healthy lives, and i feel negative writings from any parent, be it custodial, or non custodial, only serves to inflict pain on the children. we need to be more aware that what we write can be just as painful and non productive, as anything said in person.
November 10th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
November 12th, 2007 at 10:04 am
Hi Ray - I wonder what the children, their friends, the mother or father or their friends would think of other people stooping so low as to state their names and what has happened to them. Below are just a speck of links to illustrate - happy to provide more. I’m sure they would be happy to receive your morality as would all the parents who have been unjustly accused of abuse. What suggestions do you have to stop the direct bad mouthing that is repeated day after day, month after month etc to children with no accountability or redress instead of preaching to the unlikely event that one day an alienated child and the parent responsible or their friends might see a name and situation they recognize. I would suggest it would help your understanding by actually talkiing to affected people and researching the many sad, awful, heartbreaking and ugly stories that are everywhere on the internet for you to read. Maybe you recognised the name on the previous posts because of your searching and this is your only way of trying to take away the reality of the situation.
Police said Rick Lohstroh’s 10-year-old son fatally shot him outside his ex-wife’s Katy home in the 1700 block of Cedar Cove Court on Aug. 27. Lohstroh, a 41-year-old physician, was picking up the boy and his 8-year-old brother as part of a joint custody agreement,
http://www.click2houston.com/news/3771336/detail.html
“Make sure my boys aren’t home (tonight) because I will be there at
midnight to burn it down,” Ms Currie said was Reweti’s threat.
“(And) your mum’s home will be next.”
The woman, in the belief Reweti could carry out his threat, bundled up her
children and some clothing and went to stay with a friend, the court was told.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/mendadinfo/message/547
In loving memory of Andrew T. Renouf
May he rest In peace
Andrew T. Renouf committed suicide on or about October 17, 1995 because he had 100% of his wages taken by the Family Responsibility Office, an agency of the Government of Ontario, Canada. He asked for assistance for food and shelter from the welfare office and was refused because he had a job, even though all of his wages were taken by the Family Responsibility Office. Andy was a loving father that hadn’t seen his daughter in 4 years.
http://www.dadsindistress.asn.au/stories_andrew.html
November 12th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Also interesting to note Dr Richard Warshak - www.warshak.com writes in his book Divorce Poison Page 287….Most alienated children have not come to terms with their feelings for their parents; they have merely parked their feelings on a mental shelf and tried to ignore them. Their lack of ambivalence toward the target is the tip off. Adults who have truly suffered at the hands of inadequate parents and subsequently resolved their feelings are able to express a wide range of feelings about their parents; love, sympathy for the parents’ own early depreivation that contributed to the deficits as parents, regret for what was missed, anger for the mistreatment they suffered. This is something a person with parental alienation syndrome is unable to do, and it handicaps them in most important personal relationships…
Page 69 ..a child is not alienated when the hostility and apparent rejection is temporary and shortlived, …..coexists with expressions of genuine love and affection….
As it is widely said - the proof will always be in the pudding or the end product
December 4th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
I wanted to know what to do when you put your trust in someone who said they were a specialist in pas and then you find out that (NAME REMOVED by Megan) lied on his (NAME REMOVED by Megan), about his degrees and about his parental alienation. What I learned was this man hasnt paid his child support in years and his children who contacted me told me that he was really abusive and withheld medical attention and he claims that he is a victim. How do you really know what PAS is, when people make up there own rules?
December 4th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Edit by Megan so as to protect anonymity - part of response removed.
PAS is so interesting because of the controversy surrounding it - it is often thrown out of Court because it is a syndrome rather than something scientifically proved.
I have seen classic PAS at play so I have no difficulty believing in the behaviours and psychology of alienation.
All I can offer you is my apology that you feel let down by a professional. Focus on the needs of your kids and tend your hurt in ways that won’t hurt them.
My thoughts are with you.