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Do you know how to listen? Really listen, actively listen? Active listening is not just something you do while waiting for the other person to stop talking. Active listening is using both of our ears, our eyes, our mind and our body to be involved in a process of fully understanding the messages that another person is giving us. It is an active process that can be exhausting.

Article by Megan Bayliss

The reason we have two ears and only one mouth is because it is twice as hard to hear as it is to speak. Most of us though, “keep an ear out”  (one ear) or an “eye on a situation” (one eye) so that we can tune into the important parts of a conversation. While this may get us through life, it is not always the best way to listen for safety. Two ears, two eyes, all of our senses and a shut mouth is usually the best way to listen properly.

Children can be difficult to actively listen to because children tend to talk about all manner of things - often non stop. Further, children do not have the chronological (age), cognitive (mind/thoughts) or vocabulary (words to use) sophistication to tell us when something is wrong. They rely on us actively listening to them in their context of childhood. It is our job as big people to protect little people. Even when you cannot see any physical danger around a child, you need to remain alert and actively listen for encroaching harm.

How to actively listen for child safety: Active listening is a skill, something that can be learnt. By following the elements presented below, you will be well on the way of developing your active listening skills. Just remember that within these elements there are many individual skills that assist a listener in helping a talker to speak. Those skills are not part of this article.

Active listening is made up of three elements that require to be consciously present in you, the listener, for the listening to be active rather than passive and everyday listening:

1. effective attending (being there in full - both ears, both eyes and all your senses tuned),

2. understanding the other persons cultural/social/political or geographical circumstances, and,

3. understanding your own barriers to listening.

Effective Attending: To effectively attend there are a number of simple skills to help us show we want to listen to what someone has to say. A communication writer called Gerald Egan has come up with an acronym to help us to remember how we should be when we are active listening: SOLER.

S - Sit square on (face the child at their level wherever possible)

O - Open body posture (make your body language say “I’m here, I’m ready for you”)

L - Lean slightly forward (For your homework below you have to watch a couple. See how they lean forward?)

E - eye contact (not all cultures like eye contact but most children like to look at eyes)

R - Relaxed (an angry body is not relaxed, relax your shoulders, hands and face).

Understanding the other person’s context: Adults and children come from all sorts of backgrounds. We need to know a little about their background, their culture, so that we can practice inclusive and non-discriminatory listening. Knowing the Convention on the rights of a child, despite where the child has come from can be really helpful here. To respect the right of a child’s cultural and religious beliefs is understanding and active listening in practice. The age of a child is also very important. Many people expect way too much of children. Learning about developmental tasks of a particular age group prepares us to completely understand a child’s behaviour, for example, is their behaviour age appropriate and if not, why?

Understanding your context: We all listen through our own filters. Instead of ear plugs blocking our hearing, our filters are everything that has happened to us, our beliefs, ethics, experiences and preferences. These experiences/preferences can act to block our ability to hear exactly what the other person is saying. I find it hard to listen to people who have sexually abused children. Their child abuse behaviour acts as a filter and blocks me actively listening. I get around this as a counsellor by making it clear that I do not work with perpetrators of child sexual abuse. I do not refuse them help but I do refuse them my help because I know I may not actually be that helpful! I am unable to listen without judging.

To fully understand how our beliefs and culture block our ability to listen or do things, I want you to try this active listening experiment. Hold a partner’s hand and skip down the footpath. I’m serious. I know you’re probably thinking, “No way, how embarrassing,” but please do try it. Can’t do it? Umm, your inner voice has been trained to tell you what is acceptable and unacceptable public behaviour. Yes, your inner voice can be a block to you listening to another person in their context too if you think that what they are doing is unpalatable. What if your skipping partner were a seven year old? What about a 12 year old? Knowing what is acceptable and age appropriate is a very important part of understanding context in active listening.

Active listening homework: If you are lucky enough to have access to early childhood educators, watch how they interact positively with their young charges. How do you know when the teacher is really listening to the child? No access to early childhood teachers? Next time you are out, take note of a couple in the throes of new love. How do you know they are in a recent consensual relationship? Hint - tick off as many of the SOLER behaviours as you can. Young lovers beautifully display active listening principles in practice. If you think it takes a lot of energy to sustain a new relationship, then you will have an understanding of how tiring active listening can be. But…active listening is worth it because it can help to keep our kids safe.

Related articles for further study about Active Listening:

Make a difference in another child’s life: Actively listen to them.

Counselling and Personal Development - Active Listening

Egan’s skilled helper model

Active Listening