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Do you know how to actively listen, respond appropriately, protect the child and not make promises you know you will not keep? This post sets out how to respond to disclosures of child sexual abuse. If one in three adults are said to be sexually assaulted in childhood then you may well need to respond to disclosures at some stage in your life.

Children do not have the vocabulary sophistication that adults do. They try to tell us in their crude and childish ways. Often we cannot hear because we are not actively listening. We might listen with our eyes, but we too often fail to listen with our understanding of age appropriate words, knowledge and emotional/cultural controls around what and how things are said.

1. The first step in responding to disclosures of sexual abuse is to ACTIVELY LISTEN to words and situations that may lead to a disclosure of sexual abuse. Active listening has a process to it so be sure to learn how to actively listen in case you ever need it. Active listening is a basic counselling skill so it is a handy tool to have anyway. Tug on those words or situations as though they are a scared kitten needing to be coaxed out. Gently, and in a listening mood, seek clarification about what the child means. Here’s an example: a child rang his mother from the friends house. Child had stayed there for a sleepover for the first time ever. Child told mother that friend’s brother was being “gross” and wouldn’t leave them alone. Child said that friend’s big brother was “pulling my pants down.” Mother assumed, wrongly, that the boys were playing together and that “daking” (a common abusive practice where one child pulls the other child’s pants down as a form of embarrassment and control) was happening. Mother suggested that child tell friends mother. When child came home that night, child was fearful and clingy. Parents discovered through talking and coaxing (gentle tugging on the situation to get more information) child to tell them more about what had happened at friends house, that friend’s big brother had licked child’s “front and back bottom”
2. The second step is to believe what is being told to you. Research shows that the reaction of the person first disclosed to makes a HUGE difference in whether the child will be able to integrate and heal from what has happened to them. There are so many myths about child sexual assault that it is easy to believe them above the truth. Just remember that perpetrators of sexual assault have a vested interest in having us believe the myths. Myths help to cover up the bad and illegal behaviour of the perpetrator or sexual predator. It is not your responsibility to investigate or prove disclosures of child sexual assault. It is your responsibility to believe and to pass the disclosure onto the person who can investigate and prove/disprove.
3. The third step is the hardest, but also the most important: CONTAIN your own feelings. Not only do you need to be mindfully intelligent and helpful here you also need to draw on every ounce of your emotional intelligence. It is very important not to show anger, shock, fear or horror. Somebody disclosing sexual assault may well wrongly interpret any emotional reaction from you as disbelief which may further reinforce their own sense of shame. Watch your face and body reactions. Breath deeply and stay calm. Control your need to screw up your face. Imagine that you will become the winner of $1,000,000.oo auction if you flinch a muscle. Stay still, stay calm, stay in control of your feelings and manage them. If you can manage being an adult, you can manage your feelings.
4. The forth step is to ACKNOWLEDGE the child’s trust in disclosing to you and to congratulate their courage and strength in taking positive action to break the secrets and to help them feel better inside. The child needs to immediately know that there is a positive pay off in disclosing sexual assault. If you hold back on the praise, the child may think they have upset you or that you don’t believe them and may never tell again. Similarly, they may recant their story if spoken to by another person wanting to investigate the alleged assault. Positive acknowledgment, even if you feel uncomfortable and unsure, is paramount to the child’s functional emotional survival.
5. Finally, the fifth step is to make APPROPRIATE REFERRALS for investigation and support. Child Sexual Assault is against the law. Knowing that a child has disclosed sexual assault and not doing anything about it is against the law of morals and ethics. As an adult, it is your job to report disclosures or suspicions. If the child begs you not to tell anyone else, then you cannot promise it. It is your job, your responsibility to help protect that child. Promise not to tell and then telling, further reinforces to a child that no adult can be trusted. The child begins to tell adults what the child thinks adults want to hear. This is a similar process to the sexualisation of a child that occurs when a child is first sexually abused. In fear of being hurt or rejected, the child acts to please and protect the abusive adult. Don’t allow your own insecurities and immaturity to further harm a child. DO NOT promise that you won’t tell and then go and tell. Be up front with the child. Explain that you have to tell and who you are going to tell. Explain that the child needs to have trained people to talk to, people that can help the child get rid of the scrambled egg in their head and to learn how to trust again.Who will you tell? No matter where you are in the world, finding out who to tell is only a phone call or an internet search away. The local police station is always a good place to start. Ring them up and ask who to report a suspicion of child sexual abuse to. If you are too scared to ring the police, please, talk to another person in authority: a school principle, a doctor, a child protection worker. These are the people who can help you to help the child. If you live in the same country as I do (Australia) here is a list of Child Safety and Child Protection Departments for you to ring and chat to about disclosures you may have received, or suspicions you may have.

Article by Megan Bayliss 

 A list of Do’s around responding to disclosures of child sexual abuse

DO immediately tell the child you believe them.

DO tell the child that they were right to tell you and that they were very brave to do so.

DO use the child’s language or vocabulary.

DO acknowledge that it is difficult to talk about such things.

DO tell the child that this has happened to other children and that they are not the only one.

DO tell them that they are not responsible for what happened and did not deserve it.

DO tell them that sometimes adults do things that are not OK (avoid saying that the offender is “sick”).

DO everything you can to support, comfort and reassure the child.

DO ensure that the child feels safe following disclosure. You might need to stay physically close to give an extra sense of physical security - the offender may have used threats.

A list of Do Nots around responding to disclosures of child sexual abuse

DON’T make promises you can’t keep - especially if they ask you to keep it a secret.

DON’T panic or show that you are shocked. It is important to remain calm and in control of your feelings.

DON’T give the impression that you might blame the child. e.g. Don’t ask: “why did you let him?”, “what were you doing there anyway?” or “why didn’t you tell me before?”.

DON’T ask intrusive questions. Listen but don’t pry. Respect the child’s need for privacy.

DON’T be over protective.

If you want to know more about how to respond to disclosures of child sexual assault, have a look at these:

Child Sexual Abuse
If you suspect harm
Dealing with Disclosures
Children Disclosing Sexual Abuse
Every School’s Worst Nightmare: Child Sexual Abuse
How Young Children Disclose Sexual Abuse