Co and Counter Dependent Relationships: which one will your child choose?
September 11th 2007 by Megan Bayliss in Child Abuse
The relationships we choose and the way we are in relationships have a lot to do with what we learnt in our childhood. What is codependency portrayed the life beliefs we may unwittingly give our children. If we train our children to be codependent, it stands to reason that our kids may enter into relationships with counter dependents. Co and counter dependency go together: they are strongly attracted to each other and once involved can become locked into an unhappy and dysfunction pattern of relationship survival.
These two addictive relationships are in themselves unhealthy and dysfunctional: Counter dependency is compulsive by nature and codependency, apathetic. Codependents seek out counter dependents and counter dependents rely on codependents making the counter dependent feel good. The head spins!
You now know what codependency is - counter dependency is opposite. A counter dependent will:
- invade other’s boundaries,
- have grandiose ideas and live in a delusional world filled with fantasy of dominance,
- have an exaggerated sense of strength and power,
- present as independent: they don’t need anyone, only trust themselves, are great at blaming their partner for anything that goes wrong, hook up with people who mirror back the counter dependents strengths and cover over the counter’s weaknesses and inadequacies,
- be self centered and believe it a virtue,
- be insensitive to other’s needs and feelings,
- exploit their partners care taking,
- be aware that their partner will never expose the destructive and inadequate behaviour of the counter,
- be fearful of getting trapped and engulfed by a partner so they fight harder to stay strong and in control of others.
In the interests of child safety, your own relationship with your adult partner needs to be healthy and a replica of what you want for your own child. Do you need to perhaps do some work on your relationship for the sake of your children’s future?
A man found a snake. Although it was frozen, he recognised it as a poisonous snake. He picked the poor thing up and took it home to revive it. He placed the snake in front of the fire to thaw. Once thawed, he bent down to give it a nice little saucer of milk. The snake lifted its head and bit the good man.
As the man lay dying he asked the snake, “How could you do this to me after all I have done for you?”
As the snake slid out the door, it turned to the good man and said, “Stop your whinging. You knew I was a poisonous snake when you picked me up. What else did you expect me to do?!” (Respect, Aug 1996)
How many times have we all done something similar to the above story? Given the relationship training we received as children, we may still be starting relationships even though we recognize them as destructive and that we will get hurt. Understanding the nature of co and counter dependency helps us to see the warning signs and avoid being bitten.
How committed to child safety are you? Try Craig Harper for some motivation and life renovation. Healthy relationships start with YOU!
Related article: What is co-dependency?
Stumble it!
October 28th, 2007 at 5:10 am
Very interesting and thought provoking post. And yeah, I’ve talked with my daughter about relationships–what she’s seen and what they could be.
November 1st, 2007 at 9:22 am
A lot of the counter dependent characteristics sound like my father. I know my mom was an enabler. I was until I learned how not to be. Thanks for the list.